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A New Chapter

June 23, 2015

To anyone who is interested, I’ve started a new blog called “How To Get A Frickin Life”

Check it out at


To any of my dear, last remaining readers

September 17, 2012

You hardy folk who have patiently and faithfully followed this adventure, holding on even as the once plentiful flow lessened to a tiny trickle and finally seems to have dried up. This is a notice that I have begun writing again only at another site, because if you want to hear the end of this particular adventure you may have to buy the book 😉 But if you enjoyed my writing please follow this link and read on!


And to any new readers who have just stumbled upon this blog and are interested in the story of a girl who sets out to follow her dream and sail the world. Well then, I suggest you scroll way back to the beginning and enjoy the story at your leisure!

Snicker Faced

May 3, 2012

October 3-13 2010

When we were kids mom use to read us novels; Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, The Hobbit series, My Side of the Mountain. We would gather round her as she lay on her belly in front of the fire, our imaginations soaring with the narrative. Sometimes she would get to the end of a chapter and declare us done for the night. Invariably we would protest and beg her to continue, coaxing her with promises to scratch her back with the hairbrush for every minute more.

For all of you who’ve been gathered around me listening patiently to my story, I’ve just now realized, I came to the end of a chapter, but never finished the book. And here I am jumping to the next one, leaving you all wondering what happened? You can’t read most of a book and not finish! How rude! So. Scratch all that other stuff. We’ll start that one when this ones through. Now where were we. . . .

I had just arrived in New Zealand after 10 days at sea from Fiji. Ten months of pursuing it and my dream of sailing around the world was proving very unsatisfying. I was eager to batten down somewhere, write my book and figure out what the next, more fulfilling step was. Doug, the captain of my last boat, had dropped me off in Auckland. . . .

Snicker faced. Ha! Though I was slunk low and quiet in the back row I couldn’t stop the hiccup of laughter bubbling out of my chocolate smeared mouth. After ten months of foreign countries and being at sea, it was good to be doing something so familiar as watching “the Simpsons.” Lisa had a new boyfriend, a Sid Vicious look alike who got her hooked on his insatiable addiction. “Let’s get snicker faced!” They crammed candy into their mouths until they were reeling with the buzz, then Sid beat his head against the wall. Ha! I couldn’t help it; this episode seemed aimed directly at me. I’d bought enough chocolate to make myself sick.

I was sitting in a corner near a ceiling high window on the dirty couch of a backpackers (hostel.) There were 3 rows of sofas radiating out in a semi circle from the big black box  that was suspended from the ceiling. It was the middle of the afternoon and lounging on the grubby cushions were an international assembly of mostly under 30’s. There were rosy faced blond girls from Germany, just using the hostel as a stop over while they organized their trip, various dark haired single guys from Chile here to work and learn English, an enthusiastic Japanese kid who just got a job despite his lack of the language and a few rougher looking English regulars drinking beer, who’d made this seedy hostel their home.

I had 10 days to wait until the meditation course I’d signed up for. I’d done the same Vipassana course five times in the states and in Europe and knew it was just what I needed to cleanse myself of the crap I’d accumulated while traveling; emotionally physically and mentally. Hopefully I could hold out until it began.

Wearing the only set of warm clothes I had, and shoes for the first time in ten months, I wandered aimlessly around the city, through hoards of nameless people who all seemed to have somewhere to go. My computer wasn’t working and I couldn’t afford to write by the hour. I felt uprooted, displaced and disconnected- so sick of traveling. Unlike the States, all the addictive luxury items here were expensive; chocolate, coffee (cigarettes and alcohol, though I wasn’t using those) but I still indulged in plenty of subway sandwiches, flat whites (coffee with steamed milk) and “biscuits” (cookies) numbing my bad feelings with food and wishing I was back in Boulder, in my old, happy, active, friend-filled life. I was feeling sorry for myself and made the decision. Fuck it, I would give up and spend the last of my money on a ticket home. I followed a sign advertising free coffee with two hours internet usage, down a dimly lit staircase into a cardboard basement, planning on Skyping my mom and buying the ticket. The coffee was cold stained water in a tiny styrofoam cup and the computer screen was infiltrated with dancing pop up ads in Chinese. I was having a very bad day. My mom must have been also because when I mentioned coming home she was more concerned about upsetting her roommate than welcoming me. Fighting back tears of rejection I hung up on her and stomped out when the old Chinese man wouldn’t refund any of my money. I’d only used 15 minutes.

That was as low as I was going to go. I sat myself down in a park and gave myself a stiff talking to, “your going to have to buck up and tough this out girl, you can’t just go crying to your mom every time.”

As if I’d been heading down to the sea floor I turned myself upward and gave a good solid push off the bottom. It’s amazing how the universe responds to this sort of attitude adjustment; instantly it supported me by supplying a few choice friends. Pete, an English guy I met in the hostel (probably the only person there over 40) had just made a huge change when his wife divorced him by following a life long dream to move to New Zealand. He was energetic, healthy and positive. We did the 14-kilometer coast to coast walk across Auckland together over both inactive volcanoes. Tracy I met while ducking in from the rain on top of Rangitoto, an island volcano. She was my age, a corporate workaholic whose company had sent her to New Zealand for a year. Her time was up and she was dreading leaving. She took me to her favorite beach and to dinner at a great little Mexican joint (my ultimate comfort food,) and infected me with her love for the place. Like this the days passed. The activity and inspirational company lifted my mood and from then on I was moving steadily towards the sunshine surface.

Weaving in New Zealand

August 6, 2011

September 21 -30, 2010

Fiji-New Zealand, Hakura

I am so far away from the blogs that remain, the last few I should write, at least to get you to where I am now. Those stories are like an old black and white movie where I am the hero and the story is adventurous. Where anything could yet happen. The internal dialog dubbed over each of the actual moments I lived is gone, and even the hard scenes seem lighter in retrospect. In them I am the star, the fearless sunny me, who is social and exciting; who can sail the world and make it all happen.

Maybe that’s why writing these last few blogs is such a chore. Because that me is so far away from the me I am now. I have woven myself into a completely different story line. But still I have committed to this blog, even if writing has gotten really hard and the dream of publishing my adventures as a book comes and goes like the tide. I’ve been faithful to this undertaking for more than a year and a half. Okay, I admit I haven’t been very attentive since I moved ashore. But . . I . . will. . . . finish this story.

Well, at least up until the start of my next phase, the child rearing years.

So. Where were we? My last post had us leaving Fiji, heading south towards New Zealand, into a big sea at night. After a few days of tantrum, the ocean finally wore itself out and lay down like a tired child and my nausea disappeared.

Without a sunshade tent obscuring the sky, a center console blaring circus lights in my face, or the autopilot running the show (like the other yachts I’d been on) I was forced into a more active role and to being fully aware of the subtler, timeless performance taking place all around me. At first it was hard to stand and steer for three hours straight without even the distraction of my iPod for fear of a wet slap. But soon I was riveted by the way the elusive air contours perfectly to the undulating body of the ocean, and I wondered who was leading who in this endless and intimate dance of sea and sky.

Having to actually work while on duty made my six hours off feel like I’d earned them, and since I paid my way I was relieved of the nagging obligation to be more useful. I love when the rules, timetables, and expectations of normal life are thrown out the window, like after a natural disaster; and the only remaining rhythm is created as you go. Here we were, finally, Doug, John and I, with nothing left to do but sail this little ship to New Zealand. Eat, sleep, and steer. And the nine days it took us to accomplish this goal were exactly what a sailor would want them to be: uneventful.

The first three or four days were cold and after ten months in the tropics I was glad I had purchased one of the few existing sweatshirts in Fiji. Doug’s girlfriend had left boots aboard that fit me and just to demonstrate how little land-based hygiene applies on a 36-foot boat at sea, after I was all suited up but still barefoot, I’d perch in the companionway ready for my watch. John, while still at the wheel, would remove his boots and strip off his one pair of slightly moist, overly ripe but warm socks for me to put on before I crawled out into the chilly night.

One day, unbeknownst to us, a big bull mahi-mahi took the bait we were trawling. We weren’t very attentive or enthusiastic fisherman and by the time we realized we’d caught something, he had been dragged to death. If he had been alive we would have let him go, he was nearly four feet long, enough to feed us for a week but without refrigeration there was no way the meat would last that long. We all lamented this beautiful shimmering loss and Doug chopped off a sizable chunk of his tail before letting the rest slip overboard. We only skinned enough for that night’s dinner, leaving the end bit with the impressive tail wrapped in a burlap sack in the cockpit for breakfast the following morning.

By now the weather was heating up. Being from the northern hemisphere, where equating south with sun is normal, I took it for granted that even though we were heading away from the tropics, each day got warmer and required less layers. At about halfway Doug had a birthday and to celebrate we all put on clean clothes. In the cockpit we set up the table and lay out one of the cherished rounds of cheese, a packet of crackers, sliced tomato, fresh mango, and a packet of peanut cookies. But the real treat: it was time to decant the ginger beer.  In Tonga I had met a great couple from Tasmania. We were just clearing in and they were clearing out, so our respective boats were alongside the immigration dock. We got to chatting and they invited me aboard their cozy floating abode for a glass of their home brewed ginger beer. I checked out the boat while she poured me a little of the starter and instructions on how to brew it as a gift. I’d been feeding it with fresh ginger and sugar, had bottled it with water and lemon juice and after weeks of fermentation it was finally ready to try.

Since Hakura didn’t have a water maker, fresh water showers weren’t an option. By about the end of a week we were feeling pretty ripe, and John, who liked the idea of keeping up with these sorts of things, instigated a seawater wash down for the crew. I was at the wheel when he appeared in his Speedo with the soap. After catching a bucketful of water, yanking it up quick before it dragged under with the weight, he squatted down in front of the wheel and began slowly scooping it over himself. I sped up the process by dowsing him with the whole icy bucket load, which made him squeal with shocked delight. This inspired me and soon I was in my skivvies screaming with laughter as we soaked each other with pails of the bracingly cold south pacific.

After nine days Aotearoa, which means “the land of the long white cloud” in Maori, appeared as a long dark smudge. That day as we approached New Zealand the sun was so warm we sunbathed in nothing but togs (kiwi for swimsuits) as if we had magically carried the tropics with us. We passed a few seals that had the same idea; they lay on the surface, each with a fin extended skyward. ”Whadda you looking at?” they seemed to be thinking, as we circled them gawking.

The sun went down in a fiery glow and in the remaining purple twilight the silhouette of a dragonhead stood guard over the Bay of Whangarei (pronounced fung-ga-rey.) As we passed this sentry, the mystical bubble of our sunshine voyage popped and we were enveloped in the heavy clouds and rain of a typical early spring in New Zealand.

That night we tied up to a cement floating dock at a deserted marina within what looked like a brand new housing complex and slept the deep, watch-less sleep of the safely landed sailor. The next morning the immigration guy came aboard like an old friend, “Hey Doug, how was your trip?” and stamped my passport even though I had no ticket to leave or money to stay, though I did have my job offer [see blog: Trusting the River.]

It was one day’s motor up the bay where Doug’s slip was and the rolling green hills, quaint looking villages, and colorful boats bobbing at anchor charmed me. Doug pointed out the terraced hills and explained that these were called Pa, where the fierce Maori warriors defended themselves from the British. The waterway narrowed and filled with boats until it finally ended near a low bridge; his slip was a tight squeeze among neighbors surrounded by touristy cafés and nautical restaurants. The first thing we did, once securely tied up, was walk across the street (where the cars came from the wrong direction) to the dairy (Kiwi for convenience store) where Doug shouted us (bought us) an ice cream cone dipped in chocolate. I had Hokey Pokey, vanilla with crunchy little bits of teeth aching toffee, since according to him it was the New Zealand favorite. While wandering around the small downtown we came across an opening at an art gallery and I got my first experience with the native culture. The three Maori artists greeted each other with the hongi, mindfully touching foreheads and noses and taking in a deep breath, then welcomed the crowd with a small ceremony in English and Maori. There was food and drink, beautiful pieces of tribal art in carved stone, flax, and feathers and an eclectic crowd. Lorraine and Sharron had joined us, Doug and John’s partners, and Doug shouted us a nice Italian dinner. Afterwards they went off in pairs, leaving me the luxury of the boat all to myself for the night.

I fell asleep thinking of this beautiful green land. Though the native people had had to fight for their rights, and there was still plenty of injustice, they had retained much more of their culture than the natives had where I came from. In New Zealand nuclear power was nonexistent, the government supported single moms, and medical care was everyone’s birthright.

After ten months my head was spinning from all the traveling I’d done, crewing on other peoples boats was the opposite of what sailing had always represented for me; freedom. I didn’t know what my future held but I didn’t think it was more of that. I felt like laying facedown, arms spread, to hug and kiss this spacious mass of solid earth. It might be a tiny island nation but it was a lot bigger than all the other islands I had visited and it had all the luxuries of the U.S. I didn’t have to jump on another boat or leave anytime soon. They spoke my language and couldn’t tell I was a stranger just by looking at me. Doug declared, during our crossing, that he thought my destiny was in New Zealand. So far it seemed like a storybook place and whether I could feel a whispered premonition, or it was just the fact that I didn’t want to go anywhere, I could imagine my story weaving itself somewhere within its pages.

Hakura and the Last Voyage

June 9, 2011

September 16-21 2010

The race was on. Doug, the captain, had the motor running at 22 rpm’s, as hard as he wanted to push it. Hakura, his 36-foot sloop, was gliding over glassy calm water towards a white line of waves smashing against the reef that protected the island of Viti Levu, Fiji from the churned up sea. Somewhere in that tumult was a channel, the illusive eye of the needle that would take us through a wall of coral; we had to thread the needle before the light was gone completely.

Dark purple was spreading from the eastern horizon, washing out the brilliant orange and red light like spilled ink, to where the sun had already sunk into the monstrous sea. We looked back at the hillside and searched through binoculars for the two markers that, once in alignment, would tell us we were on the right course. But we could only find one. The calm water between heavy breakers was the obvious choice, and we took it.

There had been a gigantic storm in New Zealand that was pushing massive swells our way. I was at the helm in the small open cockpit, my legs braced in a wide stance, my hands firmly gripping the wheel. Hakura didn’t have an autopilot, or any other fancy stuff (no refrigeration, water maker, radar, SSB), so it would be hand steering, three hours on, six hours off, for the approximate 10 days it would take us to reach Aotearoa, New Zealand: the land of the long white cloud.

Just as the purple sky was deepening into black, we cleared the last of the submerged dangers, and left the safe waters. A monster wave nailed us, stalling the boat for a split second with a loud thud. My feet slid to the low side as I braced myself, and all three of us were drenched with a wall of cold green water. Fuck. What an ominous way to start a voyage, these were the worst conditions I’d been in and I couldn’t even see them, plus Hakura was the smallest boat yet. And for the first time in ten months of sailing, my stomach began to churn. At least puking was easy, a slight lean over the lifeline and the ocean was nearly in my face. Nevertheless I was confident with my choice, Doug and John were competent sailors and good, solid people.

After getting the job offer in New Zealand at a water park, [see last blog] I spent two days searching for a boat. But my energy and the feeling of endless possibilities had drained. The bubbly, “Maybe I’ll just hang out in Fiji for awhile,” was reduced to, “Just get me to New Zealand, quick.” Lounging in paradise gets old, especially without much money and a heavy backpack to haul around. Everyone I talked to at the modern marina at Port Denerau pointed to Hakura first, the small sloop tied up directly in front of the office. They needed crew, but no one had been aboard all day. I kept chatting with sailors on the docks, looking for more leads.

I ran into a couple with whom I’d crossed paths a few times during my travels in the Pacific. After a pep talk from them, I confronted my previous captain. His boat was hauled out in the tiny boatyard beside the marina. He still owed me money, had my passport, and was responsible for me until I signed onto another boat, or had a ticket out of the country. We attempted to negotiate, but I was sick of his incessant negativity and his passive-aggressive refusal to take any responsibility for the situation. When he told me to calm down, I turned up the volume for the entire boatyard to hear, and stomped off in tears.

Later that night I had dinner with a prospective captain, Brian, who I had met in Tonga. He wanted me as a mate, but not merely the nautical kind. I made it clear that I was only interested in a platonic relationship, and left the possibility open as a last resort. One problem was his powerboat. Modern yachts are boring enough with all their electrical conveniences, but at least they still have sails to tend. Also, he wasn’t leaving for another month, and he was going to Australia by way of Vanuatu. After 10 months of crewing on other peoples’ boats, I was so ready to be autonomous, to live in one place, and have my own engaging life. The thought of hanging around Fiji and then slowly cruising yet another tropical paradise sounded like hell. All I wanted was to get to New Zealand.

Stupidly, I had the made the assumption that I’d crash on his boat for the night, but after dinner I found out that he had a girlfriend flying in at 4 am. It was too late to go knocking on the few boats that had offered a bunk and I didn’t want to blow a bunch of money on a hotel. Brian was taking his usual taxi back to Vuda Marina (pronounced Vunda) and his Indian driver told me to get in, he’d help me figure something out. I was too exhausted to think, I shoved my pack in the back seat and slumped in beside it. After we dropped of Brian, the sympathetic driver made me an offer, I could stay at his house free of charge but I’d have to cook for him. Or I could stay alone, also free, at his vacant house next door.

“That’s very kind of you,” I responded, thinking he seemed harmless enough, “I’ll take the empty place.”

Slightly surprised he asked, “Why don’t you want to stay with me?” with a little Indian head bobble.

I shrugged off answering but when I answered his other questions, “I am American and yes, I am single,” and he giggled to himself, “I am a lucky man.”

I quickly responded, “That is why I want to stay alone.” I made sure to lock the door behind me.

It was the next morning that I found Doug on Hakura. He popped his head out the companionway: a hefty, round man with a bushy grey beard and long fading brown hair tied back under a bandana. He invited me aboard for a cup of tea. His bare torso was decorated with various tattoos, including a parrot on his shoulder, and he immediately struck me as a down-to-earth person, a pirate type that I could relate to. His boat was obviously his home and he wasn’t a wealthy world cruiser, but a Kiwi on his first sail abroad. In its size and simplicity, Hakura reminded me of my boat, Azurlite, and as a captain I could appreciate the enormity of the feat he had accomplished, making the 10-day sail from New Zealand to Fiji.

I hefted my pack into the cockpit and ducked below out of the sun, settling into the cozy saloon. I offhandedly rattled out my considerable sailing experience. Doug busied himself with the ritual of preparing a proper pot of loose-leafed tea, and then explained his situation. He and his best friend, John, who he had known since college, had enjoyed a few months cruising Tonga and Fiji. Their respective partners had joined them for a few weeks and other crew had helped with the passages. Now it was time for the big trip home and John refused to go without help since they didn’t have an autopilot. Doug figured $30 a day as each person’s share of the expenses. I countered with a lower price for the whole journey. “I know how sailing is,” I said, “and I can’t afford to pay by the day if we have bad weather or are becalmed.”

Doug agreed to this. “But there’s one rule,” he added solemnly. “There are no put downs, and that includes the one we put down the most: ourselves.” I nodded knowingly. “Okay,” I consented with a smile. “That’s a rule I can definitely agree to.”

There were still a few prospects I wanted to check out, and Doug magnanimously offered me a bunk for a few nights, and the use of Hakura as home base, whether I sailed with them or not. He even said I could use his computer. I hesitated, not wanting to take advantage of his generosity by using his laptop to check on other crewing options, but he read my mind and assured me, “Use it, even to find another boat,” before leaving me in his floating sanctuary in blessed solitude.

With the knowledge that such a genuinely kind person had me covered for a few days, my whole body relaxed. Doug’s offer not only released me from the burden of lugging my oversized bag around in the tropical heat, wondering where I would sleep, but also  from the considerable weight of the single-woman-traveling-alone guard I’d been holding up.

When Doug returned, he invited me to join him on what had become his daily afternoon outing. We walked through the westernized complex that made up the posh outdoor shopping mall and marina, and through the surrounding high-end suburb, a pocket of white man’s vacationland, to the Hilton Hotel, with its luxurious oversized swimming pool. Our white skin was the only ticket we needed to enter this opulent resort, and we swam and sunbathed on cushioned lounge chairs. Since I didn’t have to hold up my tough, independent guard anymore, my feelings from the past week of unresolved drama welled up. Doug listened sympathetically and coached me through it. He was thoughtful and easygoing, and treated me like a niece. By the time we made it back to Hakura I felt totally at ease.

We met John at their usual picnic bench in front of a café on the mall, overlooking the water and all the vessels. Doug and John didn’t drink, a bonus since I was still abstaining, and we all ordered fruit smoothies. John was good-looking, tall and broad chested, with the unbreakable confidence and happy go lucky nature I associated with younger guys. I was not up to proving myself as good crew or good company, but they didn’t make me feel like I had to. Their relaxed, unassuming vibe made it clear they were old friends with no power trips or ulterior motives.

When I returned from the toilet, Doug announced that I passed the test; they both agreed they’d love to have me as crew for the passage to New Zealand. “Cool,” I nodded, relieved to be signed on and moving forward, “lets do it.”

While we sat there, my previous, stingy old captain and his wife wandered by, and stopped to exchange superficial pleasantries. These two big fatherly men sat on either side of me like sentries, and I felt protected from the miasma of negativity and bad communication that plagued Mistress 3. These guys were a much better match.

It was good we came to our agreement that evening, because the next morning a cute young surfer boy named Rob came by, looking for a boat. Doug told Rob he already had me, but invited him aboard anyway. He wasn’t experienced, just a kid in Fiji on a solo surfing trip who thought sailing home would be a cool adventure to end on. He was positive and energetic, and we all found his laid back persistence endearing. But, there wasn’t room for one more. Once we were at sea our sleeping arrangements would be “hot bunks.” When someone came off their three-hour watch, they would take the vacated bunk of the person leaving it for a turn at the helm. We had a few days to wait out the weather, however, so Doug invited Rob to hang out till then.

I made one last visit to my previous captain Ivan and made a deal. He was adamant I pay for the radar, since my attempt to fix it had made it worse, finally forcing him to pay a professional. I reminded him it had been broken long before I came into the picture, and maybe he should be thanking me, but to avoid full on battle I offered to pay 100$ out of what he owed me. The fact that I found a boat was a huge relief for him and he agreed, he would pay me 900$ and be free and clear of any further responsibility. “900?” “900$.” We both repeated it a few times, and shook hands, planning to meet at immigration to do the final exchange.

The next morning the three guys and me moved Hakura the few hours to Latoka, with its big ships dock and paper mill factory spewing smoke. Doug accompanied me to the dusty and eclectic city to sign me off Mistress 3 and onto Hakura and get my money and passport. I cordially shook Ivan and his wife’s hand, saying goodbye and wishing them luck and they handed me an envelope. As we walked away I realized it only contained 720$, they had subtracted my original air fair to Bora Bora. Ah well, at least it was over and done with, finally.

We spent the rest of the day provisioning and then pulled anchor. The murky green water around the city port cleared slowly to blue as we left the dry brown hillside of Viti Levu, the main island, in the distance.  Rob and I perched up in the spreaders and guided Doug between bommies (the Kiwi term for coral heads) to anchor in crystalline waters. We snorkeled around colorful coral outcroppings, and challenged ourselves to swim the distance to a tiny uninhabited island of white sandy beach. We took turns cooking and enjoyed meals together in the cockpit. Though most of our two days of exploring was under motor power, we even got a little sail in for Robby’s sake, since he never had before. With all the drama Fiji had been for me, it was a blessing to end it with these few days of laid back fun and mellow camaraderie.

By now we were all looking forward to getting underway. Doug was of the mind to just  tough out whatever conditions we encountered, so I was glad John was adamant about making sure the weather was auspicious for our 10-day sail. He subscribed to a guy in New Zealand who made detailed predictions and even chartered the optimum course for sailors through the changing weather patterns, according to him this was our window. We spent the morning doing our final clearance from customs back at Latoka and fueled up one last time, before barely making it through the reef as the light faded.

While being sea sick and puking wasn’t fun, at least I liked and trusted Doug and John. Sleep, eat, and steer; the ten days would pass. We were on our way to New Zealand.

Trusting The River

April 21, 2011

September 15, 2010  Musket Cove, Fiji

Normally when I found myself between ships I felt aimless and lost. I would cast about desperately for a plan and deal with my anxiety by drinking and smoking. But now, after being kicked off of Mistress 3 so abruptly, somehow the precarious position of being stranded in Fiji without much money didn’t feel so bad. I am a firm believer in the law of attraction and in their discussions about this topic, Abraham—as channeled by Esther Hicks—describes life as going down a river in a canoe. Most people fight it, spending their lives paddling upstream, with the belief that they have to struggle to get what they want. But according to Abraham, we are attracting what we want and the trick is to surrender and let the current take you there. Well, I was in white water now. Like a river winding through a canyon my future was around the next bend, I just couldn’t see it yet. And there was nothing to do but let go and see where this river would lead.

While mingling at the pirate party, [see blog: Pirate Party] telling my story, I was offered a temporary bunk on a luxury catamaran, which was on the dock. The following night I took advantage of the invite and slept in a private cabin, though the stifling heat and blaring music from the bar made it hard to sleep. I still woke long before the guys, the owner and the captain, and sat in the spacious saloon to meditate. Then after making myself a cup of tea I settled at a the table in the cockpit, legs stretched out in the sun, and caught my journal up with all the new twists, while Musket Cove, the paradise isle, stirred. People on nearby boats began to emerge into their cockpits like ground hogs, stretching in the bright morning sun and rubbing their eyes, while a few Fijians, in flowered shirts and white shorts, made their way down the dock to the sand spit where the tiki bar perched among picnic tables and palm trees, to begin another day of service in this white man’s fantasy land.

I took a long walk away from the marina and bay where all the boats were anchored, past the hut with all the water toys for rent; Hobie Cats, kayaks and the volleyball net and beside that the bathhouse for the sailors. The calm turquoise water was at high tide leaving only a thin strip of white sand dotted with lounge chairs and rimmed with short palm trees. Here the beach went right up to the tiled floors of a few posh open-aired restaurants and a saltwater pool with a little sailboat in it for decoration. Further down, I passed resorts hidden tastefully among the palms and strolled up onto a sandy path that wound through manicured lawns, hammocks strung between trees and little bungalows for rent. Finally, I made my way past the last of the restaurants and hotels, around a rocky outcropping to where the beach was untouched and raw.

On my way back I stopped at an office to buy a ticket for the ferry to Latoka, where I still had to sort out matters with Mistress 3. Ivan, the captain, owed me money and still had my passport. [see blog: Musket Cove and the Aligning of Stars.] After that I didn’t know what I would do and since I had a few hours to kill I began looking for an empty lounge chair to sit and ponder. I was just wandering past the restaurants when I heard,

“Hey Davina!” It was someone up by the saltwater pool.

“Oh hey girl, how’s it going?” I had met Inger and her family two days before at the pirate party. They sailed on the same boat and I had bonded with her 10-year old son, had gotten funky on the dance floor with her husband, and had a good conversation with her on Wind Borne during our sail back.

“Hey, we were talking and Paul wanted to ask you if you want a job. You were so great on the boat the other day the way you got everyone involved. That’s just what he needs, someone with good leadership skills. If you just wait here, Paul will be back in a minute to tell you more.”

It turned out that Paul ran a kiddy swimming pool franchise in Auckland, New Zealand, and needed someone to run a crew of Brazilian lifeguards.  He assured me that the work permit wouldn’t be a problem.

Though for the past few months I had believed my future was leading me to Australia, I had much more interest in New Zealand. Plus it was a lot closer.

“That’s sounds awesome,” I told them, a huge smile slowly growing across my face, not only did I have a job, but a job where I could hang out by a pool, with kids and be the manager of Brazilian lifeguards, ha!

And just like that, without having to struggle against the current or stress out about what I was going to do, my vista suddenly opened as if from the top of a canyon, giving me a glimpse of the river up ahead. Now that I knew New Zealand was where I was heading, all I had to do was figure out how to get there.


March 21, 2011

Musket Cove, Fiji september 14, 2010

After a full day of pirate festivities, with Wind Borne safely anchored back in Musket Cove, all the sails covered, and everything put away, a heavy exhaustion came over me. While the others were making a move to shore, the velocity of the past few days finally caught up with me. Like a wake overtaking a quickly decelerating speedboat, I felt swamped with fatigue. The thought of more partying on shore, the inevitability of craving Steven’s attention, hanging out with people who were increasingly sloshed, all without a place to sleep, sounded like pure hell. I quietly asked Avon for permission to stay onboard Wind Borne just for the night; I’d figure out what my next move was in the morning.

Once everyone had left and I was finally alone on the old wooden schooner, sleep didn’t come as easily as I’d expected. My body was still coursing with energy and I was in a romantic mood. Not romantic like the fall in love, hello Mr. Right, Hollywood. This was a more enduring, personal romance, one that had withstood ten years of the harsh reality of owning my own boat and the past year of ups but more downs traveling on other peoples’ boats. I was feeling empowered and dreamy, sensations that characterized my romance with the sea. Here, on this old classic ship in Fiji, my future was like the endless ocean, touching all continents, all possibilities. I climbed out of bed and up the ladder to the foredeck and stretched out on the massive bowsprit, like a languid cat over the inky black water, under a round yellow moon.

Despite this self-possessed mood, thoughts of Steven were running like Tom and Jerry round and round my head [see blog: Musket Cove and the Aligning of Stars]. We had motored past his boat on the way back to Wind Borne, and there was Melanie, in the cockpit. I had expected her at the party, but the fact that she was still with him afterwards made it clear he wasn’t as “over her” as he had declared to me the night before. But the mental cat and mouse chase I was engaged in with him was more out of habit than anything. I’d been fantasying about “love” since I was a preteen: “Please God, let him like me.” Old habits die-hard.

Then I realized this mental pattern was not consistent with my beliefs. We create our reality and creation starts with a thought. By picturing future scenarios between Steven and I over and over, always with the same theme: me wanting him to want me, I was only creating more wanting.

“If I believe so much in positivity,” I wondered to myself, “why am I letting these dark thoughts about love run helter-skelter through my brain?” So I gave myself a pep talk. “It is impossible to rehearse the future, Davina. When I see Steven again, I will know what to do. And though things probably won’t work out between us, it doesn’t mean I can’t think of him in a loving way. We had an amazing connection and that was a blessing in itself. Just because it doesn’t lead to some movie star romance doesn’t mean that I am not good enough for him or that there isn’t a great guy out there for me.”

And because my brain wasn’t going to drop the habit just like that, I began to imagine all those fears like insidious vines strangling my heart, and I began pulling them out as they sprang up. I weeded my heart until its soil was clean and fertile, abloom with vibrant flowers. “I am amazing, I feel great. My future is exciting and wide open and anything can happen.” I told myself, “ My heart is fresh and receptive and ready for love. And if its not with Steven, then its because he’s not the one for me. Not every guy can fly like I can.”

The next morning I felt wonderful, though quiet; pirate girl had used up her voice the day before. Avon, who was relieved that the loud, brash character was gone, made Renee and I a beautiful breakfast of yogurt, crunchy granola, and fresh papaya, then dropped me onshore with my gear. I stashed it on Joao’s boat at the dock and wandered across to the Sand Bar, the center of all activity. On my way I stopped to chat with Samantha and an American guy. Out of the blue he brought up EFT tapping; an energy technique my mom had taught me as a way to clear out old negativities and worn out thought patterns. Inspired by how the Universe seemed to be supporting me, I began tapping on my wrist to clear away old Tom and Jerry, who though slower, were still making their frenetic rounds in my mind.  I settled at a picnic table under some palm trees, where a small crowd was gathered to watch and participate in dinghy sailing races. Mary, an attractive Australian woman with whom I’d danced the day before, was at the same table, and I formally introduced myself. She immediately began talking about the power of positive thinking and how we create our own reality. With all of these like-minded people around, and the way this adventure was playing out, her words rang through me with the high vibrational frequency of a bell.

Just then Steven walked up, hung-over and hurting from the night before.

“Hey you,” I cheerfully greeted him. He sat beside me and came right to the point, “ Hey, I don’t think I’m really ready to take on crew.”

“I know,” I said.

I entered the woman’s kayak race, which, turned out, only had two contestants. Me and the other woman dashed down the beach and hurdeled ourselves into the awaiting plastic boats, each held in a foot of water by an attending Fijian man. They both gave us a strong push and we paddled evenly out towards the buoy. But once there, she paddled wide and I cut it close around the floating mark. Later she admitted she hadn’t wanted to be rude by bumping into me. I won the race.

Then I had an inspiration. Steven had gone back to his boat, so I borrowed Joao’s inflatable and motored out to see him. I found him in the middle of straightening up.

“I’m here to give you a massage,” I informed him. He had been complaining about a chronic pain in his shoulder that had been getting worse. I sat patiently in the cockpit while he finished cleaning.

When he offered me something to drink, I raised my water bottle and said, “I come complete.” I meant it in the deepest sense.

Then, after he had tidied up his space, smoked his bowl, and lay down on his belly, I hooked my iPod to his stereo and let the relaxingly intricate layers of BTribe unfold in the small cabin. I took a few deep, centering breaths. Then I lay my hands on his shoulders. I’ve never been into massage, and I don’t think I’m that good at it, but somehow, when I pictured my root chakra connecting to the earth’s center, I could feel Gaia’s power flowing up through me and into my hands. And while I was working on his shoulder, an image, like a subliminal message on a TV ad, flashed behind my eyes. I shared it.

“The reason your shoulder is hurting,” I informed him in the confident voice of a doctor, “is because your wings are trying to grow.”

Steven murmured in a stoned and deeply relaxed voice, “I have been having this recurring dream. It’s of me standing at a bar,” his voice barely a whisper, “but I keep falling down because I have these huge heavy wings and I can’t handle them.”

“You can Steven. Nature knows what we can handle; she wouldn’t give you wings that are too big. Let your wings grow Steven,” I whispered, “let them grow,”

I slipped off the boat. My wings, in their enormous feathery glory, were completely intact.